“I’m Just Telling It Like It Is”

When Honesty Becomes Control or Something Else

By Debby Marindin, EdD

We’ve all heard it—maybe even said it ourselves: “I’m just telling it like it is.” It sounds bold. Unfiltered. Refreshingly honest. In a world full of spin and niceties, directness can feel like a virtue. But too often, this phrase isn’t a sign of courage—it’s a sign of control.

It’s time to ask some deeper questions:

Am I speaking to connect—or to control?

Is my ‘telling it like it is’ just my perception of the truth?

Let’s explore what happens when honesty becomes a blunt instrument—and how we can shift toward communication that is clear and compassionate.

When “Truth” Isn’t Truth — It’s Perspective

The phrase “telling it like it is” assumes the speaker holds a kind of objective truth. But in reality, most of what we call “truth” is filtered through emotion, assumptions, and deeply personal context.

Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman, in his book Thinking, Fast and Slow, explains that our brains rely on mental shortcuts that make us feel right, even when we’re not. We mistake our confidence for correctness, because what we see and believe feels like the whole truth. That’s the danger: when we believe our perception is reality, we can’t hear anyone else’s.

Real-World Stories: When “Honesty” Silences Others

The CEO Who Confused Confidence with Accuracy

Michael, a software company CEO, prided himself on being direct. “I don’t sugarcoat things,” he often said. But his bluntness became toxic. In meetings, he dismissed concerns. When a product lead warned about releasing too early, Michael snapped: “You’re being risk-averse. Let’s not confuse noise with insight.” To him, it was leadership. To his team, it was silencing. Eventually, a culture consultant delivered the hard truth: “Michael mistakes conviction for correctness.”

His wake-up call mirrored the findings of Dr. Amy Edmondson in The Fearless Organization, which shows that the most successful teams aren’t those with the boldest leaders—they’re the ones where people feel safe to speak up. Michael had created fear, not freedom.

Once he began asking, “What am I missing?” and “Can I hear your perspective?”, morale and innovation rebounded.

The Mother Who Meant Well—But Hurt Anyway

Marianne, a no-filter mom, believed honesty was love. Her daughter Lila, freshly divorced and trying to regain confidence, often left conversations feeling judged, not supported. When Lila mentioned moving to a new city, Marianne blurted out:

“That’s ridiculous. You can’t even handle your life here. You’d be broke and calling me in a month.” To Marianne, it was truth.To Lila, it was a wound.

Eventually, Lila spoke up: “Your version of honesty makes me feel smaller, not stronger.” This moment echoed the philosophy of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, which teaches that honesty isn’t effective unless it’s paired with empathy. Feedback that lacks emotional safety creates resistance, not growth. Once Marianne learned to ask, “Would you like my advice, or just my support?”, their relationship shifted from criticism to connection.

When “Telling It Like It Is” Turns into Manipulation

Blunt honesty doesn’t just hurt feelings—it can become a tool of emotional control. In toxic workplaces or narcissistic relationships, the phrase “I’m just being honest” can mask gaslighting or domination. Psychologist Dr. Robin Stern, in The Gaslight Effect, and Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, in Gaslighting, both outline how manipulative communicators use partial truths to:

• Invalidate others (“You’re too sensitive.”)

• Reframe blame (“I’m the only one being real.”)

• Shut down disagreement (“You just can’t handle the truth.”)

This tactic, sometimes called truth-spinning, is not rooted in clarity—it’s rooted in power.

If your “honesty” leaves others voiceless, it’s not feedback. It’s control.

The Neuroscience of Safety and Trust

Dr. Amy Edmondson’s research shows that psychological safety—the belief that it’s safe to speak up—is the #1 predictor of high-performing teams. But that safety evaporates when leaders weaponize bluntness.If people fear embarrassment, retaliation, or invalidation, they go silent. Innovation stalls. Collaboration collapses. Ironically, the leaders who claim to “just tell it like it is” often never hear the real story—because no one dares to speak it.

The Path Forward: Honesty with Humility

We don’t need less honesty—we need more awareness about how our truths affect others. Brené Brown, in Daring Greatly, reminds us: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”But clarity doesn’t mean cruelty. The kindest truth-tellers speak from vulnerability and curiosity, not certainty and ego.

Healthier ways to be honest:

• “This is how I see it—what’s your view?”

• “Would you like feedback, or are you still processing?”

• “Can I be candid—and stay connected?”

These aren’t soft. They’re strong. They build trust.

Final Reflection

Before you “tell it like it is,” ask yourself:

• Am I speaking to connect—or to control?

• Is this my truth, or the truth?

• Would I say this differently if my goal were connection, not correction?

Because the people we lead, love, and live with don’t need us to dominate the room.

They need us to be honest with humility, and clear with compassion.

References:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.

Edmondson, A. C. (2019). The fearless organization: Creating psychological safety in the workplace for learning, innovation, and growth. John Wiley & Sons.

Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (2nd ed.). PuddleDancer Press.

Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize manipulative and emotionally abusive people—and break free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.

Stern, R. (2007). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life. Harmony Books.